Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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