I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
