his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
