Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
