This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
