Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
