We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
