My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
