I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think my moral compass just broke
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