if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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