my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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