The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Is it because I queefed?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
