i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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