i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
