3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
