dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
