My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
