Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
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