I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
