he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he shaved USA in his pubs
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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