Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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