How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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