I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
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I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important