everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
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She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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