Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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