i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
