when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
