I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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