no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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