This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
