I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
