My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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