Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
