It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
