oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
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he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
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Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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