he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
