guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
