I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
