Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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