I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You are the jesus of drinking
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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