oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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