he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
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