Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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