Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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