My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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