Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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