my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
