she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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