My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
