I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
