party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she pinky promised me she was 18
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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