I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I don't deserve a penis
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
