Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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