Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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