Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
