Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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