I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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