sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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