she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
