maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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